A Fungible I

In our personality we have a multitude of desires, habits, impulses, patterns, attitudes, opinions, hopes and dreams, with one of them taking center stage, soon to be displaced by another. And while on center stage, each one claims the title of I, dictator for that fleeting moment. Then another one takes over as I, with little or no relationship to the prior I. During their moment in the spotlight, each has full control, able to buy, sell, promise, and otherwise engage in actions that affect the whole, affect all the I's collectively. This situation is rife with failures, regrets, and broken promises, shattered intentions and self-recriminations.

The passing parade of our fungible I's prevents us from knowing who we are or what we want, because we are continually changing. This is being caught by time. We attempt to patch up the inner gaps and inconsistencies, by excusing or ignoring them. If we notice our situation for what it is, it may lead us to the pursuit of spiritual inner work, in search of answers.

Naturally then, when through meditation or other practices we encounter the timeless, the changeless, in the form of consciousness, our experience of pure awareness, we believe we have found ourselves. This is who I am: I am my consciousness. It seems so obvious. Nevertheless, it proves to be false. In addition to its other qualities, consciousness is boundless, does not belong to any of us, and is not contained by any of us.

The I of consciousness, if there were such a thing, would thus have characteristics that we would not have expected for our own I. It would be one unified whole, not splintered. It would not be centered in us, but rather centered everywhere. Its concerns would not be limited to our personal life but would include the greater whole beyond ourselves. It would not be our small self, but rather a broader Self acting through our life and our body. That I is our real Individuality and consciousness can open us to it. Yet as discussed in the prior weekly inner work installment, consciousness itself is not that I, is not our I. Consciousness is a spiritual energy, while our I is our will. Our I uses consciousness, receives from consciousness, and is not consciousness. Our I is not an energy of any level.

Can we be that I of consciousness, the I that emerges as us when we open to pure awareness, to consciousness? When you are in the quiet inner spaciousness, beneath all the goings-on in your mind and emotions and senses, look to see who is conscious. In that moment, you are aware. Who is that you? Can you relax back into yourself to be that one who is aware, that one who is conscious when you are conscious, that singular core that is beyond space and centered everywhere, that singular core that is timeless and does not fade?

Every act of will, even the simple act of directing our attention, is new, and thus a creative act. We, our I, engage the creative energy, a step deeper than consciousness. In this limitless realm of sacred light, our personal individuality is challenged. Can we open ourselves to the universal perspective? Can we go beyond ourselves?

This is another level of fungibility of I, where our very identity, our individuality, though whole, becomes porous, where we are no longer separate from others, where we can be ourselves and not ourselves, where we can love, where, like in a true marriage, we share the same I, where we are fully ourselves on one level and fully joined on another. It is the very act of allowing our self, allowing our I to be porous, to be permeable, that ushers us into a greater realm in that moment.

In openness, the creative can enter. In being closed, well-defined, in being someone, something, anything, we leave no room for the creative and no room for love. This is not passivity, not a passive openness. Rather we direct our openness beyond ourselves. The more we are stuck in fixed notions of who and what we are, the more we are identified with ourselves, the less open, the less permeable we can be.

For this week, notice how your own identity, your own I, can change, can be fungible.

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